U.S. Spending Hits Record August
by Miffed Morgan
9/13/20252 min read
💸Treasury Tantrum: “August, You’ve Outdone Yourself”
By J.P. Morgan (Pixie Banker, Monopoly Enthusiast, Still Richer Than Gold)
BREAKING: The U.S. Treasury just posted a $345 billion budget deficit in August — the largest monthly deficit of 2025 and the 2nd-worst August in history.
Congratulations, gentlemen. You’ve managed to make July’s drunken $291 billion binge look like a responsible night out at the pub. And you only missed last year’s all-time record of $380 billion by a whisker. Bravo. Truly historic incompetence.
JP Reaction 👻💰
When I saw these numbers, my monocle didn’t just shatter — it shot across the afterlife like a bullet train and cracked Andrew Carnegie’s ghost right in the jaw. Even Rockefeller groaned, and he hasn’t cared about public finances since kerosene.
What I’d Do to Fix This Mess 🏦🪓
Turn Congress Into a Pay-Per-View Event 🎟️
You want to see them filibuster? That’ll be $9.99 a stream. Throw in ad sponsorships and suddenly the deficit is a surplus.
Auction Naming Rights to the Debt Clock ⏰
Why stop at just showing numbers? Let’s have the “Amazon National Debt Clock, Now with Free 2-Day Shipping.”
Fine Every Congressman Who Says ‘Bipartisan’ Without Meaning It 💸
I’d balance the books in a week.
Replace the Fed With a Giant Safe and My Ghostly Hand on the Lock 🔒
In 1907, I stopped a financial panic with a cigar and a library. Today’s Fed would need 14 committees and a therapy dog to decide on lunch.
National Carriage Rides for Deficit Offenders 🐎
Overspend? You’re getting dragged down Pennsylvania Avenue behind my ghostly carriage. It worked in 1907, it’ll work now.
Final Thoughts from the Vault ☠️📉
America is supposed to be the land of opportunity, not the land of overdraft fees. At this rate, you’re not governing a country — you’re running a bad tab at the saloon and stiffing the bartender.
August: $345 billion down the drain.
July: $291 billion torched.
If September hits $400 billion, I’m demanding Congress join me in the afterlife so I can personally audit their ghostly ledgers.
Until then, enjoy your favorite national tradition:
💵 Spend. 💸 Borrow. 🤷 Shrug.
Cordially (and eternally irritated),
J.P. Morgan
(Still richer than all of you, combined 😘🏦👻)
