Hi, this is Annoyed Almighty Abe.

Someone slipped me this “manual” back when I was running for president. 🤔 Didn’t make much sense then, still doesn’t now… but I figured I’d share it anyway.

Your pal,

Abe ☮️

🪄🔨 The Magic Hammer: A Politician’s User Manual

(Model #BS-2025: For use as psychological prop weapon against the public's minds)

Congratulations!
You are now the proud owner of the Magic Hammer, a tool every politician swears can fix any problem! When you or your surrogates are on the campaign trail. Enjoy the fact this magic Hammer can fix any problem from inflation to job loss to the neighbor’s ugly fence. Have Fun with this the Power!

⚠️ Warning: You must convince voters that this invisible magic hammer exists or its results may vary. By “vary,” we mean “not actually work.” And everyone will think you are crazy for even suggesting you have a magic hammer in the first place that can solve all problems from world hunger to hangnails.

📦 What’s in the Invisible Box

• 1 (invisible) hammer head — perfect for photo ops 📸 and for hitting all those pesky problems.

• 1 ergonomic invisible handle for waving dramatically 🎤 without breaking a sweat.

• Invisible Instruction card that says: “Blame the last guy” and “Don't forget to Mention the hammer at least three times per speech.”

🛠 Approved Uses

(As outlined in the Politician’s Economic Playbook)

Swing at Inflation 🏷️🔥

• Press conference ✅

• Bold speech ✅

• If Actual price drops ❌ don't happen Simply get your statistician fudge the numbers to make it look like the magic hammer is working

• Pro tip: Tell voters your hammer is “forged in the heart of a dying star” (like Thor’s), and fight anyone who says otherwise!

Create Jobs 👷‍♀️💼

• Announce a “Jobs Initiative” ✅

• Recount old jobs as new ✅

• Ignore automation replacing half the workforce ❌

• Power move: Say your hammer “can build opportunity from thin air.” Just hope no one notices the air is still thin.

Fix the Economy in 90 Days ⏱️💰

• Promise growth ✅

• Rebrand existing budget ✅

• Hope markets don’t notice nothing changed ❌

• Advanced technique: Call it “The Mjölnir of GDP” — the hammer everyone fears but no one sees working.

Negotiate Trade 🌐🚢

• Use hammer as a “bargaining prop” ✅

• Accidentally start trade war ❌

• Pro tip: Slam it on the table like you’re summoning thunder. The sound will be impressive and they will feel your glory.

Boost Confidence 📈🎭

• Smile and wave hammer on TV ✅

• Let markets think you know what you’re doing ✅

• Always Conflate confidence and results as the same thing❌

• Insider secret: 70% of the hammer’s “power” comes from the photo op; the other 30% comes from convincing everyone how much bigger your Magic Political Hammer is than the other politicians.

💡 Pro Tips for Best Results

• Always hold the hammer above your head for maximum heroic effect 🦸‍♂️. Bonus points if you pose like Thor about to smash an alien.

• Never swing too hard — someone might notice the nail’s still sticking out.

• Pair hammer use with graphs and statistics that nobody fact-checks 📊.

• When in doubt: rename the hammer (The Growth Driver™, The Inflation Crusher™, The Prosperity Maker™, Mjölnir 2.0™).

• The hammer’s magic fades if people stop talking about it — so keep it in the headlines.

🚫 Things the Magic Hammer Cannot Fix

• Long-term productivity declines 🏭➡️🤖

• Global energy prices 🌍⛽

• People spending more than they earn 💳💥

• The business cycle 📉📈

• Your approval rating after the hammer hype wears off

• Actual woodwork 🪵

📜 Disclaimer

This hammer is symbolic and has no measurable economic effect.
Do not attempt to use for real carpentry, fiscal responsibility, or actual problem-solving.
Side effects may include: higher polling numbers without results, voter fatigue, and unintended comparisons to Marvel characters you can’t legally reference in campaign ads.