The Gospel of National Debt

🔥 The Opening Rant

“Ladies, gentlemen, and tax donkeys 🫏… allow me, J. Pierpont Morgan, to explain something you seem confused about: the National Debt.

In my day, the United States was like a scrappy young shop clerk — small, lean, with just enough pocket change for a Navy and a few lighthouses. Revenue? From tariffs 🚢 and whiskey taxes 🥃. No income tax, no alphabet-soup agencies, no trillion-dollar entitlement tab.

Hey, Andrew Jackson even paid the whole debt off in 1835. Fifty-eight million dollars! That’s what I misplace in my couch cushions when I switch carriages. ⚔️💸”

🏦 The Modern Mess

(Morgan puffs a cloud shaped like a dollar sign, then jabs with his cane.)

“Fast forward. Today Uncle Sam is running a $37 TRILLION bar tab. We spend $7 trillion a year, 25% of the economy, and we STILL borrow like a drunk railroad tycoon.

Our biggest expenses?

• Social Security 🍰 (a giant Ponzi scheme in polite clothing)

• Medicare 💊 (the nation’s most expensive waiting room)

• Defense 🛡️ (I respect cannons, but your bombs are financed by bonds)

• And… wait for it… $1 TRILLION in interest payments. That’s more than your army, more than Medicare. We work for our creditors now — and our creditors look a lot like me.”

  📈 The Scale of Possibility

  You think we’re going to pay it all off again? Ha! Don’t laugh too quickly — in the 1990s we were actually on track. The economy boomed, tax revenues poured in, and for a brief shining moment, Uncle Sam ran a surplus. We balanced the books, The Fed puffed out it's chest, and Wall Street cheered.

  It wasn’t a fantasy.... Growth 🚀 + discipline ✂️ = the debt curve bending down. For the first time since Jackson, we almost tamed the beast.

  But then came the tax cuts, the wars, and the bailouts. Instead of slaying the dragon, we fed it barrels of cash — and now our debt is Godzilla-sized 🐉 again.”

  ⚖️ The Punchline of Power

  “Every dollar in interest is one we can’t spend on schools, bridges, or tax cuts. It’s like paying one mistress with money borrowed from another. I respect the hustle, but gentlemen — even hustles need an exit strategy.”

  ✅ The HolyDolla Gospel

  • Then: Small gov’t, tariffs, whiskey taxes. Jackson hatcheted the debt to zero ⚔️.

  • 1990s: Surpluses proved debt reduction wasn’t a fairy tale 📘.

  • Now: Big gov’t, payroll taxes, trillion-dollar interest payments 💸.

  And the truth? We can control the debt — if we ever get the courage to act like it again.

  👑 Morgan’s Closing Sermon

  “Never forget — in 1907, when our whole financial system collapsed, who saved you? Not Congress. Not the President. Me. I locked the bankers in my library until they bent the knee.

  Pray you rediscover your backbone before you need another Morgan… because my bailouts don’t come cheap.

  Now pass the collection plate, and make it gold bars.”🤑