July National debt soars like an eagle!
You can not be serious! BY Miffed Monk Morgan
8/14/20252 min read
📜 A Nettled Letter from Miffed Monk Morgan: You Spent WHAT in July?!
By J.P. Morgan (👻 ectoplasm filled, 💰 Still Rich, 😠 Eternally Irritated)
To the Gentlemen, Ladies & Crooks
I have been reading the paper everyday for over a century now , and yet somehow, the U.S. government has found a way to make my monocle 🧐 burst into spectral confetti.
July 2025 — 💵 $338 billion collected… 💸 $630 billion spent.
A monthly deficit of $291 billion. In one month. That’s not “fiscal policy,” that’s a staggering late-night drunk 🍸🎰 stumbling up to the Bellagio roulette wheel betting the national credit on red—then doubling down on green for “fun.”
If no one does anything... This is what I will do to fix this mess:
Tie them up and Drag ‘em behind the carriage with glee 🐎
In my day, if a railroad executive overspent by $291 million (let alone billion), we didn’t “hold hearings.” We tied him to the back of a carriage and let him explain himself on a bumpy ride down Wall Street 🏙️.
Buy Congress tickets on the Titanic 🚢🍾
If you’re going to sink the budget, at least do it with style. I’d buy every member of Congress 🎩 a ticket on the RMS Titanic II, complete with complimentary champagne to toast the iceberg 🧊 they’re steering toward.
Install turnstiles at the Capitol 🚪💰
You want to get into the House or Senate chamber? That’ll be $1.2 Million a turn. Surplus problem solved by Thursday 📆.
Auction the naming rights to everything 🏛️💡
The “United States Treasury” becomes “The United States Treasury—Brought to You by
Preparation H 😳
Mount Rushmore gets neon ads for Monkey Butt Powder 🙈.
The Lincoln Memorial becomes “The Lincoln Memorial, Powered by Gas-X or Tesla⚡.”
Replace the Federal Reserve with me 🏦🦅
In 1907, I personally stopped a financial panic by locking bankers in my library 📚 until they coughed up the money.
Today’s Fed? They couldn’t lock a cat 🐈 in a closet without forming a subcommittee 🗂️.
🗯️My final Miffed thoughts from the Holy Dolla underground
If you can’t balance your checkbook 📒, you shouldn’t be allowed to run an Only Fans Account 🍋—much less a $28 trillion economy 📉.
You want fiscal discipline? Give me one weekend 🗓️, a ledger 📊, and the authority to have the Sergeant at Arms carry out “creative enforcement” 🪓.
By Monday, not only would the deficit be gone ✅, but Congress would be paying me for the privilege of working here.
Until then, enjoy your monthly tradition:
Spend more 💸, earn less 💵, shrug 🤷♂️.
Cordially Disgusted,
J.P.
(Still richer than all of you, combined 💎 although John D thinks I'm a bum with only a few pennies 💲
