Listen Up, Little Citizens & Puppy Heads

By Savage Saver John D. (and Every successful CEO Since 1971)

Ah, my dear wage-bound compatriots 🧢💼,

Gather round the mahogany table of my brilliance 🪵✨, and remember: you’re lucky just to be in the same room as my cufflinks. 💎

I know you’ve been wondering — “Why do great CEOs always win?” 🤔 Well, bless your earnest little hearts ❤️, you’ve stumbled into a learnable moment 📚. Let me explain, slowly 🐢, so you can keep up without spraining anything important in your small tinny tiny puppy brain.

First I want to talk a little 📈 Stock Market & CEO Culture: From Building Value to Extracting Value 🐮

You see, the old days were about “long-term growth” and “reinvestment” 🏭. Quaint ideas, like steam locomotives 🚂 or believing in job security 🔒. But in the modern era, we learned to work smarter, not harder — by which I mean, extract more, give less 💰🙃.

• Shareholder primacy (1980s–today)

  After the 1970s, corporate boards pivoted to “maximize quarterly returns” 📊. This meant:

  • Profit gains went straight to stock buybacks & dividends 📦💵 instead of wages or expansion.

  • Stock prices became the scoreboard 🎯 — not product quality 🛠️ or employee stability 🪑.

• CEO pay explosion 💸🚀

  Before ~1970, CEO pay was ~20× the median worker’s 👷‍♂️. Today it’s 300–400× 😳. Why? Executive pay became heavily stock-based 📈. And when your bonus depends on the share price… well, you trim the “fat” (you 🍔) and squeeze margins (also you 🥤).

• Result: Wages stagnated 🪨 because keeping them low became part of the stock-friendly strategy 🤝📉. Your loss, my gain — but do keep smiling 😁.

Now, you may be pouting 😒. “But Mr. Rockefeller, what about us?” And here is where my steel heart almost warms 🫠. Let me, your benevolent overseer 👑, offer some Rockefeller Rules for the Little People & puppy heads! 🐶

📜 Rockefeller’s Recession-Proof Tips for Tiny Wallets

1. Invest in things you can’t afford 💳 – That way, you’ll feel like a CEO every time the bill arrives 📬.

2. Network strategically 🤝 – By “network,” I mean find someone with a Costco membership 🛒.

3. Practice shareholder primacy at home 🏠 – Keep all snacks for yourself 🍫. Children & animals can fend for themselves 🙃.

4. Diversify your income streams 💡 – Sell plasma 🩸 and rent out your couch 🛋️.

5. Buy low, sell high 📈 – Works for stocks and yard sales 🏷️.

So remember, little citizens 🧍‍♂️🧍‍♀️: the ship is leaving 🚢, and yes, we’re on it 🥂. But if you paddle hard enough 🚣, you might grab a floating crate of expired champagne 🍾 from our wake.

And if that isn’t the American Dream 🇺🇸✨, I don’t know what is.

Signed,

John D. Rockefeller

Patron Saint of Profits 💵, Keeper of the Golden Parachute 🪂 Drunk on efficiency.