Are We Buttholes?

My fellow American politicians, gather round like it’s Sunday supper and Aunt Mabel just brought out the mystery brown pudding. I have a Boston accent and a space race swagger, but one thing I know is this: "You don’t win friends with fists & farts, and you don’t keep allies by acting like a tremendous stupendous incorrigible butthole."
That’s a quote you can slap on my gravestone 2.0.

We once lit up the world with our dreams now we are lighting it up with our lower holes. We’re junking up the economy with too many tariffs, low housing inventory, and Reduced Economic Mobility.. So let us ask not what your allies can do for you—but ask why they’re ghosting our trade negotiations. Let’s take a look at what’s got the world side-eyeing us harder than Jackie when Marilyn came to my birthday.🎂

📉 U.S. Favorability Is Low but are Buttholes are lower

• 💥 Sanction Happy, Diplomacy Shabby
  We’ve weaponized sanctions so much, even our allies need therapy every time we mention “foreign policy.”

• 📱 The TikTok Ban (While Still Selling Data to Everyone Else)
  Preaching privacy while hoarding surveillance tech is like farting in church and blaming the baby.

• 🛑 Blocking Semiconductor Deals & India Tech Partnerships
  India tried to play ball. We threw the ball at their face and called it “strategic alignment.”

• 🌎 Ignoring Climate Agreements (Again… and Again)
  Nothing says “global leader” like driving a gas guzzler into a rising ocean.

• 🛩️ Endless Arms, Little Charm
  We keep sending weapons while ghosting peace talks. It’s giving “toxic relationship.”

• 🏢 Corporate Overlords Speak Louder Than Diplomats
  When Starbucks expansion talks get more attention than humanitarian crises…
  …well, your priorities smell a little butthole-ish.

• 🇵🇸 Israel-Palestine Double Standards
  Global Gen Z isn’t buying the double-speak. Favorability’s dropping faster than Congress's approval rating.

• 🌐 Internet Censorship Hypocrisy
  Preach freedom of speech… then censor platforms at home? That's a diplomatic “you up?” text followed by ghosting.

• 💸 Dollar Dominance Weaponization
  Turning SWIFT off like it’s cable TV makes countries look for new streaming services—like BRICS+ Prime.

• 🗽 America First, Everyone Else Last
  Isolationism with extra smug. You can’t lead the world if you keep yelling "ME!" like it’s a kindergarten fight.

Now listen here, y’all. You don’t get invited to a cookout to bend over, drop your pants, light a match and blast an eternal flame all over the guests. The world’s hungry for trust, for kindness, for dignity. Not to be shouted down by our gassy demands.

We built alliances with courage, not contracts. And I tell you this: "Charm is a currency too, my brothers and sisters."
So let’s quit the butthole behavior. Smile a little. Smell less and listen a lot. Bring a casserole of compassion not a pie of poo.

If we keep being buttholes, we won’t just lose our friends… we’ll lose our reflection in the mirror of our face, and all we will see is the cheeks of the moon!

Can I get a diplomatic Amen? 🇺🇸